Because it's a WAR out there....

So my oldest son comes home from school the other day. "Mom! Today we watched this movie at school all about the plague. There was a war and the peasants were trying to fight the castle and someone catapulted the body of someone who died of the plague over the castle wall and the narrator said 'then after a few weeks blood was flowing in the streets'"

me: "ewww. Its never a good idea to turn loose a major disease like that."

son: "don't worry, if you died, I'd never fling your body over the wall." (Nevermind that there are no castles nor walls nearby, but I get that we are talking really hypothetical.)

me: "what? you mean if there was a war?"

son: "Yes. It's WAR mom, but I wouldn't fling your body. Maybe just your finger."

me: "what? You'd CUT OFF MY FINGER?"

son: "well yeah. It's WAR and its just your finger, not you"

me: "hmm. my finger isn't me? ... ok nevermind, let's just go back to its never a good idea to unleash the plague on humanity"

Out of the Mouths of Babes

My youngest son is home from school on the edge of better with strep throat. He's not contagious at this point thanks to modern medicine but he doesn't feel good so he's home. He's 8. He's made me snort today, no not cocaine, I dont do that sort of thing, but like laugh myself silly snorting till he makes fun of me "Mommmmm" ::giggle:: Here's how it started.

Now keep in mind. He's 8. He thinks all things related to the bathroom and bodily functions are hysterical.

I'm standing and getting juice glasses down and he comes and stands beside me while we discuss how he feels and whether he thinks school is a good idea today. Now I realize that might be dangerous, but he LIKES school so he's honest about it. He prefers to go so this isn't out of the ordinary. When suddenly he farts loud.

Now normally this would be a cause for me to sigh while he laughs and my older son makes loud comments about the entire thing but today is different. Today I say his name as if to remind him to say "excuse me" and he looks at me with a super overdramatic arched eyebrow (you seriously would have to see this face) and goes "what, THAT wasn't me, it was YOU!" and he doesn't laugh at all. His change in tactics make me take that mental step back and then I explode in laughter. So much for my stance that farting isn't funny.

But that wasn't the end. After the bus comes and son1 rides off, he's watching cartoons while I get ready for work. He comes running in:

"Mom! They just called Allstate Poop!"
me: "What?"
son2: "They just called Allstate poop. And Geiko they are poop too"
me: "who did?"
son2: "the commercial"

To clarify he's offended. My mom works at Allstate and he thinks we are in very good hands.

5 min later, he comes to report another offensive commercial. I'm intrigued but I am getting ready and really who knows what sort of mud slinging commercials someone is putting out there and at least its not calling them real offensive language right?

So we head out to work and he hangs out a little and afterwards he wants to stop by the Allstate office. So we do. And he has to tell the poop story to everyone in there. He's hugely offended and gesturing in incredulousness (if that is even a word). My mom is smart though: "Did they use the word poop"

son2: "they called Allstate poop" and then he proceeds to tell how much money they claim you are paying/losing for various companies

mom: "did they actually say the word 'poop'"

son2: "No, not really, but that is pretty much what they were SAYING right?"

He's so smart. He got the underlying message and translated the profanity to language I could understand LOL

I'm just like David Sedaris

ok, not really even close. That comment was overexuberant and outright delusional, but its raining and the dog has a dead rabbit that I can't figure out what to do with and this is sort of how my real conversation went today:

me to my husband (let's for future reference say he is H. Of course that isn't his initial and I realize there might be more H's in my life but I can't call him H1 because that is too close to H1N1 and he's an overall good guy): "I should post that on the blog" (ok to clarify not the h1n1 comment, this was about something else...but anyway...)

H: "Sure. Why not?"

me "...by the way, the cool dandelion picture...
I stole that picture btw, its probably a felony
I think its an album cover I have no idea
I have no right to it and I blatantly took it LOL I'm soooo bad"

H: "I will visit you in prison"

me: "that is kind of you"

H: "I'll keep your comissary card supplied with funds for you."

(wow, who knew prisoners had cards to spend things on, that is a new one I have to think about...)

me: "I knew I loved you for a reason"

But seriously I did clip the dandelion picture and I apologize. If I knew where it rightfully came from I'd give proper credit but I clipped it from someone who had no more right to it than I did. So if that is you, let me know. I'll make restitution. I don't really want a commissary card. Maybe a platinum visa, but not a commissary I don't think they sell things I like.

Me: "heh that last little bit of conversation should be on the blog LOL"

H: "I would not want you to go without. ... Sure why not?"

Me: "I'm like David Sedaris when he's talking about his sister...the one with the bird at the end "forgive me forgive me forgive me"...where his family hates him because anything they say can be used"

H: "Yes, I see how you are now"